late night

why is it that i found myself exhausted at 8 pm today, ready to go to bed. and now it's after 12 and i still can't sleep? i find this highly annoying. i think it has to do with the heat. and my brain won't turn off. i think about the dumbest things like whether i can hear wes moving, or if i can smell rain coming, or if i should call a friend tomorrow. like i won't have time tomorrow to decide if i should call her. as if it's even a decision that merits much thought at all. it's like my brain is a 6 year old trying to come up with excuses as to why it should still be allowed up.

do you ever miss who someone used to be? and the relationship you used to have? i do. with a few older friends. and it makes it so hard for me to move on and be friends with them now, whoever they are now. because i want what used to be. but i don't want to live in the past. i want to love who people are right now. i want to allow the people close to me room to grow and become. i want to grow and become. oh but this is hard. and oh how i hate hard things. but i feel like jesus is so challenging me in this. hard is not worse, it's just hard. but i have a tough time believing this in my heart. anyways, there goes my brain again, trying to find a reason to stay up. good night

jann arden

so, i got to go to the fabulous jann arden concert this last week. man that girl can sing. and sing. and sing. i have finally realized why i have no singing talent. god gave all of mine to jann. i think it was a good move on god's part, because she is a treat to listen to. and funny. she kept posing for pictures for people while she was singing. i was pretty ticked that i forgot my camera. i went with naomi, and we were 4th row from the front. it was neat to be so close. it was a fantastic concert experience. it was sad, though, to realize that she really doesn't know jesus. there was just something missing from the whole experience. she is actually very spiritual, but i guess that just reminded me that being spiritual is so not enough. and oh man the lesbians. lesbians lesbians every where. and they all have the same haircut. it's kind of like the military. i don't get that. i can understand deciding that men aren't for you (boy can i understand that some days...) and that you love women in a romantic way. i get that. but i don't understand the hair cut. i could see cutting your hair very short in a masculine type way if in fact you felt especially masculine, but it was also some very feminine women who had this short hair cut. i guess i just don't understand. and unfortunately i do not know an abundance of gay women who i can ask. i guess it will just have to be one of life's great mysteries. anyways. to summerize: jann was great but a little dark, naomi and i had a great time-just as friends, and i don't understand why it seems like all gay women have short hair.

cute kids

i work in an office in someone's home. while this has it's pros and cons, one of the best pros is that i get to see 3 children every day. children i love, children i have watched grow up. today the two girls were/did especially cute things. taycla is the oldest. she is a serious child. she thinks through what she says. this is not to say that she isn't fun. she definitely knows how to play, but she is also serious. she loves to ask me questions about all different aspects of my life. she always wants to know what i am eating for lunch. we talk often about my favorite color, or the color of my eyes, or the clothes i am wearing. i am often delighted by the things she thinks to ask. today i heated my lunch in the microwave and the bowl was hot. i was wearing a sweatshirt and i pulled the sleeve over my hand while i held the bottom of the bowl. taycla asked my why i had done this. i explained that the bowl was hot and i didn't want to burn my hand. then she asked if i liked my food "piping hot". what 4 year old knows that phrase? it was so cute. ethne, the middle child, brought me a snack in my office that she made herself. it consisted of plain puffed wheat, a few cornflakes, teddy grahams, some other chocolate animal cookie type thing, and some broken crackers. it was a horrible snack, but i really liked that she wanted to make it and bring it to me. she also thought to make one for wes, which was also pretty cute. i think she was disappointed that he wasn't there. later loretta, the kids mom and my friend, told me that after ethne had assembled the snack, she wanted to pour water and bubbles in the bowl. i was thankful that loretta had stopped that.