experiences

i have really been thinking a lot lately about the experiences we have. how each experience that we share with another person strengthens our bond to them, for good or for bad. sometimes these experiences are very similar to each other, and so blend into each other. sometimes these experiences are very different from each other, and so are remembered in greater clarity. when i think back over my relationships, it's the experiences that i remember. the more mundane, or repetitious, as well as the extraordinary. take my relationship with wes for example. when i think back over the last 8 years together, i remember a zillion meals we ate together, all blurred into the each other. i remember our trip to hawaii in greater detail, as this was not something we had ever done before. i like this way of looking at life and relationships. i like thinking about every event that you do with someone else as adding another layer to the relationship, to the bond. it's the same with jesus, i suppose. the more we do with him, the deeper our bond, the more shared experiences we have. i am sure this is something that everyone else thought about when they were like, 8, but i have always been a little slow for my age.

late night

why is it that i found myself exhausted at 8 pm today, ready to go to bed. and now it's after 12 and i still can't sleep? i find this highly annoying. i think it has to do with the heat. and my brain won't turn off. i think about the dumbest things like whether i can hear wes moving, or if i can smell rain coming, or if i should call a friend tomorrow. like i won't have time tomorrow to decide if i should call her. as if it's even a decision that merits much thought at all. it's like my brain is a 6 year old trying to come up with excuses as to why it should still be allowed up.

do you ever miss who someone used to be? and the relationship you used to have? i do. with a few older friends. and it makes it so hard for me to move on and be friends with them now, whoever they are now. because i want what used to be. but i don't want to live in the past. i want to love who people are right now. i want to allow the people close to me room to grow and become. i want to grow and become. oh but this is hard. and oh how i hate hard things. but i feel like jesus is so challenging me in this. hard is not worse, it's just hard. but i have a tough time believing this in my heart. anyways, there goes my brain again, trying to find a reason to stay up. good night

jann arden

so, i got to go to the fabulous jann arden concert this last week. man that girl can sing. and sing. and sing. i have finally realized why i have no singing talent. god gave all of mine to jann. i think it was a good move on god's part, because she is a treat to listen to. and funny. she kept posing for pictures for people while she was singing. i was pretty ticked that i forgot my camera. i went with naomi, and we were 4th row from the front. it was neat to be so close. it was a fantastic concert experience. it was sad, though, to realize that she really doesn't know jesus. there was just something missing from the whole experience. she is actually very spiritual, but i guess that just reminded me that being spiritual is so not enough. and oh man the lesbians. lesbians lesbians every where. and they all have the same haircut. it's kind of like the military. i don't get that. i can understand deciding that men aren't for you (boy can i understand that some days...) and that you love women in a romantic way. i get that. but i don't understand the hair cut. i could see cutting your hair very short in a masculine type way if in fact you felt especially masculine, but it was also some very feminine women who had this short hair cut. i guess i just don't understand. and unfortunately i do not know an abundance of gay women who i can ask. i guess it will just have to be one of life's great mysteries. anyways. to summerize: jann was great but a little dark, naomi and i had a great time-just as friends, and i don't understand why it seems like all gay women have short hair.

cute kids

i work in an office in someone's home. while this has it's pros and cons, one of the best pros is that i get to see 3 children every day. children i love, children i have watched grow up. today the two girls were/did especially cute things. taycla is the oldest. she is a serious child. she thinks through what she says. this is not to say that she isn't fun. she definitely knows how to play, but she is also serious. she loves to ask me questions about all different aspects of my life. she always wants to know what i am eating for lunch. we talk often about my favorite color, or the color of my eyes, or the clothes i am wearing. i am often delighted by the things she thinks to ask. today i heated my lunch in the microwave and the bowl was hot. i was wearing a sweatshirt and i pulled the sleeve over my hand while i held the bottom of the bowl. taycla asked my why i had done this. i explained that the bowl was hot and i didn't want to burn my hand. then she asked if i liked my food "piping hot". what 4 year old knows that phrase? it was so cute. ethne, the middle child, brought me a snack in my office that she made herself. it consisted of plain puffed wheat, a few cornflakes, teddy grahams, some other chocolate animal cookie type thing, and some broken crackers. it was a horrible snack, but i really liked that she wanted to make it and bring it to me. she also thought to make one for wes, which was also pretty cute. i think she was disappointed that he wasn't there. later loretta, the kids mom and my friend, told me that after ethne had assembled the snack, she wanted to pour water and bubbles in the bowl. i was thankful that loretta had stopped that.

so wes is basically finished his school for the year. i can already tell what a difference the lack of stress is. he is so much happier.

in other news...oh wait, there is no other news. our lives are sailing along, quietly, uneventfully. i like it this way, really. sometimes some excitement is good, but i like the quiet routine of life as well.

unfortunately for you, my reader, this means a very boring blog.

c'est la vie!

virginia tech

what an awful thing to have happened. 32 people walking around, just living their lives, and then 5 minutes later they have been shot by a fellow student. how can someone exist beside us, and hold such evil inside, and nobody really sees it. i know it happens all the time. jeffrey dahmer was an ideal neighbor. charles manson was the boy girls wanted to date. it makes me sad that this boy was so alone. that he hated so much more than he loved or felt loved. i am sad for the families and friends of the people who happened to cross his path that day. the people he killed.

spring has sprung...i hope

i love, love, love spring. it is so glorious. i love the smell of it, and feel of the air. it makes me happy to not have to wear a jacket. god knew what he was doing when he invented spring.

i am looking forward to this weekend. i think wes and i will get to have a quiet night together tonight. i am happy he'll be done school soon. i fully support what he is doing, and am so proud of how hard he works, but it's nice to know that for the summer, he will just go to work and then we will have evenings free.

can i talk a little about wes? of course i can, it's my blog. i have never met anyone who makes me laugh as hard or as often as him. am he makes me feel so safe. i never have to wear my armour at home, he will never attack me. he is so helpful. if there is something i would like him to do, he tries his best. i think he really wants me to be happy. and he tries to help me in that endeavor. he can get really crabby, but even that (if i have perspective) is funny. he is so gentle. he helps around the house. he tells me he loves me like a zillion times a day because he knows i like to hear it. he is a fantastic kisser. he is a very hardworker. i don't really know why i wanted to say all of these things. maybe because it's spring and i am twitterpated.

thanks for reading!

all we need is love

so, much quicker than i expected, i found myself deciding. after thinking about all the things i didn't want to have to do or not do, i just couldn't give up on jesus. i really want to believe that what he wants for me is what is best for me. i am not always good at trusting him in this, but i want to better. a friend of mine shared a verse with me yesterday that said something like this: the only thing that matters is this: faith expressed through love. i love the simpleness of this. i think i can let jesus teach me how to love. that doesn't seem so scary.

my two vices

i have really been thinking a lot about my last post. about counting the cost of following jesus. so last night i made a list of everything i don't want to give up. because i think if i am going to choose jesus, i want to do it with my eyes wide open. i don't want to hold anything back. i think i have been at that place before in my life, but probably not for very long. i don't really know what happened. anyways back to the list. i made this list, and then this morning i tried to put all these things that i don't want to give up (things like sleep and chocolate) into different categories, so i could try and see some themes. well, i only had two categories that an entire page of things fell into. here they are: comfort/pleasure and pride. these are the two broad themes of sin in my life that i don't want to let go of. i am such a hedonist. i love to feel good. this is the hardest of the two for me. but maybe even this is an extension of pride. what makes me think i deserve to always have pleasure, or even ever have pleasure, when there are many people in this world who don't.

the road less travelled...

so, i think i took a brave step last night. i was honest. for perhaps the first time in over a year. i think i have had a slowly growing understanding, and now i have finally identified what has been going on in my heart. i don't think a year ago i could have articulated what the real issue was, in fact last night may have been the first time i could. here it is: i am at war. there is this battle going on between a very small, quiet part of me and this larger much louder more dominant part. the smaller part wants me to choose jesus, to choose my own sacrifice, my own death really. then there is this other part that only wants me to choose me. to give in to my own desires and wants and needs. this part acknowledges the theoretical truth of jesus, but doesn't want to serve him. the truth of it all is that i have never, in my whole life, been so close to choosing to turn away from jesus. and not in a loud way, shaking my fist and yelling at god. but in a much quieter, apathetic way. i have this picture of myself in a river, right on the edge of a giant waterfall. i know that the way to life is to struggle to swim upstream, against the current. and it's harder, and so exhausting, and it seems like there is no pleasure, only life. and it doesn't really seem worth it. and the other choice is to choose death. to let go and give in to my flesh, stop fighting and go over the waterfall to certain death. and it will be fun and pleasurable for a moment, but it will not end well. both choices terrify me. to turn away from the truth that i know or to run into his arms, but die to my own desires and pleasures. you know how you hear about those people who do those incredible things to survive in the face of almost certain death. the guy who cut his own leg off with a pocket knife. or the people who eat their dead friends. even just the people who didn't give up hope. i have always known that i am not one of those people. my hope does not endure through all things. in fact my hope is one of the things that falls away first. i do not have the will to cut my flesh to save my life. so how is this choice any different? if i turn to jesus, maybe he won't ask me for much yet. but tomorrow, or in a week, or a year or ten years, he will ask me to do things and give up things and to put myself to death. i know this. and this is what makes this choice so hard. i am counting the cost. and it is so high. maybe too high. i don't know. i was asking jesus to make this choice easier for me to make. to make it easy for me to choose him. and i felt like he said that the ease of this choice is directly proportional to the depth of the choice and the commitment to it. if it's an easy choice, it will also be a shallow one, easy to turn my back on later. if i can make this choice even though it is so very hard, then it will be enduring. there will be a depth there that will be harder to turn back from. it's hard for me to pray for my own death, but i am trying. maybe you, whoever you are that are reading this, can pray for my death, and my life. thanks.

happy birthday

happy birthday, you know who you are...
this last year with you has been my favorite by far
you're fun and you're nice
luckily, no lice
you make me laugh all the time
you're kids are so cute it's a crime
this poem is pretty lamy
but...happy birthday amy!

now i don't have to get you a present!

stress

so i was reminded today the importance of dealing with stress in a healthy way. today wes and i had a pretty big fight. and we weren't really fighting about what we were fighting about. we were fighting because of stress. this is something we are slowly learning how to deal with. it has taken us 7 years to realize this is an issue for us, but we are finally here. most of the time it's not too bad, but then we forget to take care, and bam! there it is, blowing up in our faces. luckily, now we know what is really going on, and we can address the heart of the matter, and hopefully do some good, not just bandaid it.

a looong time

i honestly can't believe how fast time has gone in these last few weeks. i guess i have been pretty busy, although i can't really remember with what. i did get to see a friend that i grew up with. it was very nice to see her. it's a little weird now, though, as i think it will take a little getting used to the fact that we are both adults. but there is good stuff there, and always has been, so i think it is worth the effort.

i think it's hard for me to see people i used to know. i don't really like them seeing how much weight i have gained since they knew me. and i am sure that none of them judge me for it, but i do, and i put that on them. for whatever reason, i think it matters more to me what she thinks then almost anyone else. and so it is hard for me to just be myself. because i don't really feel comfortable with myself around her yet. i am sure the more i see her the better it will get, but it was hard.

another one of my friends made an effort-a big effort-to change some hard things last week. it made me feel very proud of her. i of all people know how hard it can be to motivate one's self to change. it never feels worth it. and it is hard to get perspective on things. but she did, and i think it's great.

speaking of change...wes and i got up early this morning to go for a walk! i never get up early to do anything. i was pretty happy with myself. until i stepped outside and felt the bitter cold. we didn't go very far or long. but at least we tried. and maybe tomorrow will be better.

well, it's late and i should sleep. if wes would ever get home from his meeting. later, all.

back to work

so i am back to work. my first two days have been filled with mind-numbing computer work. our computer has a virus or something and so it takes like a week to open a single word doc, so i was resaving all these documents so we can reformat our computer. other than the tedium, which actually wasn't soooo bad, it's been good to be back. although i love to laze around and do whatever i feel like, i think it's good for me to have a routine. i think i function better as a human. but it sure is nice to know that i have that break coming every year.

wes and i are in charge of our small group tomorrow night. we have about an hour to fill with something. i think we are going to do a 2 day marriage retreat in one hour. we will have mini meals and mini talks. i think it will be more fun than anything else. but at least it's creative and won't be boring.

i am really missing hawaii these last few days. my tan is fading, at least the little tan i had. i just miss the water and the sun, i miss the time wes and i could just spend together too. he is so busy with school. every night he does at least 2 hours of homework. but it's probably more like 3-5. it's ridiculous. but i am proud of how much he does, and how well he does it. he will be a great teacher.

well i better go, he wants me to help him do some work. later all.

soul mates

here's a big shout out to donloree and sallie who commented on my last blog...it's great.

in other news...i have a very sore throat. it's actually pretty frustrating to me that i haven't been sick all winter, and then the day before i am set to go back to work-which i am excited about mind you-i start getting sick. what are the chances?

i had a great day today, in spite of the sore throat. i went to lunch with a friend. she humored me while i made her answer 12 questions about our friendship. things like have you ever been mad at me, if you could give me any gift what would it be? things like that. i know not everone likes that sort of thing, but i love it. i don't know if she loved it, but i don't think she minded. i like those types of questions because it gives people a chance to say and express things they may never otherwise. after lunch we just walked around the mall for a while, saw some very cute puppies and talked. here is a question that kind of came up: do you believe in soul mates? i do. but i don't think i only have one soul mate. i think there will be a few very special people who come into my life who can see to the heart of who i am and understand me. people that at the core of who they are are the same as who i am. people who help me complete my puzzle. any ways, what do you think, sound out and tell me!

bowling

tonight wes and i went bowling with our small group and another from our church. the bowling was okay, although i am not so good. it was hard to talk because it was very loud in there, but it was nice to visit with a few people who were around me-even people that i get to talk to often, but i never seem to run out of stuff to talk about with them. don't you find that's a funny phenomenom? the more you see/talk to people, the more you have to talk about, but people that you don't see very often, it can seem hard to find anything to talk about. there was a girl at church that i was pretty good friends with in college, i really liked her. i haven't seen her in about 5 years. you would think there would be a whole lot of stuff to talk about, but i had a hard time filling 5 minutes. anyways back to bowling-it was kinda neat to look around these 20 or so people who showed up and think about my different histories with each of them. a few of them i didn't know hardly at all, but quite a few i have known for at least 2 years, and some of them for 10 years or more. they may not be all people that i would naturally migrate towards, but i like that i have these people in my life that i have shared so much of my life with.

capital here i come

so, i have been off work since the middle of december. the company i work for, capital irrigation, is seasonal in nature, and so my expertise are not required as urgently in the winter as in the summer, so i get the entire winter to rest, relax and enjoy. it has been great. and i think the best part is that i am starting to be ready to go back to work. in the weeks before i started my leave in december, i was restless to be done for a while. i was tired, and i just needed a break. and now i feel like i have had one. i think it'll be a bit of a transition for me to get back into the rythm of scheduled days, and work and getting up earlier, and going to bed earlier, ect. but i am excited to get back into it. it really helps that i love my job a lot, and i like who i work for and with. i am also excited because when i go back to work it signals that spring and summer are on their way in and winter is on it's way out. and if my recent trip to hawaii did anything for me, it was to give me a reminder of warm weather and how glorious it really is. i can't wait.

a very good place to start

well, let's get the boring stuff out of the way...i am:

28
married
a fembot
medium height
a little weird sometimes
loyal
smart
kind
a horrible singer
trying to love jesus, sometimes well, most of the time not so well
lazy
a hard worker
a huge fan of friends and the office
a wee bit on the too short for my weight side of things ( i think if i were around 7 feet it would even things out fairly well)
a fan of the wii
stubborn
somewhat creative
a medium to bad housekeeper
allergic to nothing
probably never going to have children
a big fan of kids
living with the funniest person i know
cynical
prone to view the proverbial cup as half empty
a reader
a technology geek (i love, love, love phones)
an office manager, most days a good one, somedays a bad one, and rarely a great one
a mediocre typer
in love with hawaii
sister to one brother
a friend to a few, a good friend to an even fewer
a big big fan of chocolate and salt, but not together (for the most part)
a stickler for the rules
a mixture of truth and deciet, although i am trying and want to tip the scales more to the truth side of things
a daughter to 2 fairly screwed up people
me